BECOME A CELEBRITY AUTHOR IN 10 EASY STEPS - by Michelle Robinson

Michelle Robinson: successful
children's author and non-entity

Every time a celebrity puts their name to a children’s book, a professional author drops down dead. With celebs 'shutting us out of our trade', authors are heading toward extinction. It's hard not to feel bitter when your books aren't even stocked, let alone given their own pedestal. But sucking on sour grapes does not an attractive author make.

Chin up, chums! It's not all that bad. Besides, we ought to be flattered: the rich and famous want to be just like us. Can you blame them? We get to have 'a name' and hang around in our pyjamas all day, not being recognised in public. We'll never be considered too unfit or too wrinkly to do our jobs. Still, from where I'm sitting being rich and famous looks pretty appealing too...

How about we level the playing field and supplement our income with second jobs - as celebrities.

PUT THE ARGOS APPLICATION FORM DOWN.

You've already defied all odds to make it into print despite being a complete non-entity. If you can do that, you can do anything. A monkey with a typewriter can write a bestselling picture book and you can host the Brits! You're 10 steps away from a high profile second job that's WAY better paid than the one you've been busting a gut over. Take a shortcut to fame!

GET A SECOND CAREER AS A CELEB IN 10 EASY STEPS

Step 1: Look loaded

You'll need to speculate to accumulate. I know this is hard when regular children's authors don't make a lot of money, but if you're going to convince everyone you're worth squillions, you need to stop wearing rags. From now on, travel first class and invest in some half decent clothes. Men: buy a tailored smoking jacket, it's what Ant and Dec would do. Women: if we want to be taken seriously we’re going to have to start showing a little more flesh - no socks from now on.

Step 2: Act confident

The paparazzi won't shoot themselves - although you'll soon be wishing they would! Shoulders back, chest out. A shower wouldn’t hurt. Turn up the confidence a notch while you're at it and stop acting so grateful for having achieved your dreams. Demand the dream with a cherry on top. You’re worth it.

Step 3: Handle your own publicity
Once we’re famous we’ll have all the publicity we need - and more. Until then it’s a case of do-it-yourself. Try getting a mention on Steve Wright’s Sunday Love Songs or running down the high street naked. It doesn’t matter if your books don’t figure in any of this. At this stage all exposure is good exposure.

Step 4: Get 'legit'
You’re going to need a blue tick on Twitter and a squillion followers. Everyone knows you don’t necessarily come by thousands of adoring fans legitimately. Just like a top ten slot in the bestseller charts, you can simply buy a fanbase. This is not cheating; this is celebrity publishing. We’re going for quantity not quality.

Step 5: Bluff it
Nothing says ‘Paint me orange and feature me in Heat Magazine’ like wearing a huge pair of shades and a baseball cap down Lidl’s. Serendipitously you'll find these items readily available in store. Hop to it (and stop using clever, writerly words like 'serendipitously'). Note: it is acceptable to dress down when incognito, provided all loungewear is by Gucci.

Step 6: Create a stir

We can’t all be literary sensations, but we can all be sensational. Do something outrageous. It will give you material for that memoir you’ll finally have time to write in prison. Goodness knows you'll be too busy to write the rest of the time what with all those television appearances and international flights. Don't worry about your schedule; your PA will soon be organising everything for you, and you won't have to do school visits, ever again. With any luck you won't have to write anything ever again either - someone else will do it for you. You could even request a body double for all those top-billing lit fest events you'll be doing. Get in!

Step 7: Acquire a cute back story

Sales and marketing departments love 'a hook'. Those lucky old celebs have them ready made. ‘Treasure in the Attic’s Wotsisface has treasure in HIS attic with new children’s book masquerading as pile of junk’. ‘Reclusive writer's cardigan provides refuge for rare moths’ isn’t going to cut the mustard. You and I are going to have to dig a little deeper to create eye catching headlines. Consider selling your own granny. Who cares if you're disinherited? Pretty soon you're going to be MINTED.

Step 8: Get a famous partner

Remember when Jools Oliver wrote a children's book? No? Oh. Well, a celebrity author is one thing, but a celebrity author with a celebrity partner is TWO THINGS. Photoshop yourself into a compromising situation with a celeb of your choosing. Don’t worry about being sued; you can settle out of court once you’ve made your first million.

Step 9: Smile

Coffee and red wine may help with the unsociable hours writing requires, but nobody wants to see their ill effects in HD. Tooth whitening is expensive and you’ve probably blown all your cash on a butler. Thankfully you are naturally creative and have a plentiful supply of Tippex. Say cheese!

Step 10: Grow a thick skin

Don’t expect to be welcomed to all those star-studded parties* with open arms. Those celebs didn’t just suddenly become children’s authors without putting in the hours. Okay, maybe some of them did. Still, if you should happen upon some children’s authors having a moan about the amount of non-entity authors selling loads of books, smile politely and find someone sympathetic to talk to. Like Madonna.

*Orgies...? Take breath freshener.

See you on your luxury yacht, my friend!

Michelle Robinson manages the tricky balancing act of being both a successful children’s author and a total non-entity. She has seven picture books publishing in the next six months - and still no invitation to appear on Oprah!

‘Daisy Doodles’, illustrated by Irene Dickson with photography by Tom Weller, publishes with OUP in June 2017. 

Authors and money– Panama anyone? Moira Butterfield

A practical ‘author housekeeping’ blog today, folks. I’m assuming that, just for once, you don’t need my advice on rhythm, rhyme, teddy bear usage etc.

Instead I’d like to comment on the news this week.

“What?” I hear you say. “Has this blog changed tack? She’ll be mentioning celebrity shenanegins in a minute!”

Don’t worry. I have no intention of revealing the many secret shocking things I know about famous people. 

It was the Panama leaks that got me thinking, specifically the news that the Duchess of York had some sort of hidden offshore company to store the earnings of her ‘Little Red’ picture books. 

Er…I can’t remember them, to be honest, but nice to hear she made a few quid, if she did. 

(Aside - You never know with newspaper reports that celebs have earned loads from writing. Occasionally I’m told such reports might have a tiny touch of PR and therefore may not be entirely accurate…).  

But anyway, the papers went on to describe the Duchess’s finances as ‘chaotic’, so that is more proof that she’s a creative professional, surely! Bless.

But we really mustn’t be chaotic, people. Most writers are some way down the earning tree and therefore have to pay tax in the normal way, and that’s where I can help with some sage advice based on my own experience. You may spend your days having fabulous creative thoughts, but a small portion of your time must be spent getting your accounts up together if you earn money from writing. 

The UK tax people have been very interested in me over the years, and that’s good to know, isn’t it? As a self-employed author I may be a small-scale ‘sole trader’ but I could be stashing away the loot, after all. I've been tax investigated twice. On both occasions I had just had a baby and my earnings had plummeted. My accountant thought that might have triggered the investigations, though it's impossible to find out. Perhaps I was hiding earnings away in the nappy bin? They had a duty to find out. 

They could just as easily swing their never-sleeping eye over to you, and if you live in countries elsewhere I expect you have your own version of our UK tax friends.

For the first investigation I did not have investigation insurance, and it cost me £1,000 in accountancy fees. During a UK investigation you are interviewed more than once in a small room, like the sort of room you see on crime shows, and you need your accountant with you - and that costs money.

First piece of advice: In the UK you must get yourself investigation insurance if you have self-employment earnings. Check your position in other countries. You can get it from an accountant or, in the UK, from the Society of Authors if you are a member. Very weirdly, days after I wrote this blog I got an email from the SoA - if you want to go on their scheme for next year and you are a member you have to join by April 27th and it costs £12. 

Second piece of advice: You must keep your author earnings accounts up together and, unless you keep really accurate weekly records of all your incomings and outgoings, keep your work earnings separate from your personal spending accounts in some way. In the UK the tax investigator will want to look at work accounts going back five years, and all your personal accounts, too. If you can’t separate the two easily it gets complicated. I do keep mine entirely separate, and it was still complicated. You must account for every payment that has gone into your personal account going back five years. Unless you can prove otherwise it can be assumed to be work earnings you failed to declare. In other words, if Grandma once gave you a birthday cheque, for example, you may have to prove it came from her.  

If you live in other countries, you may not get these investigations, but I'm sure the advice still holds true - Keep your work accounts tidy. 

The thorough UK taxman did catch me breaking the rules.

In the first investigation he found one thing wrong - a packet of Opal Fruits and a £4.50 toy golf set on a petrol receipt that I had put through my accounts. I was rightly given a telling-off.

In the second investigation the tax lady said I’d claimed too much for travel because ‘writers don’t go out’, and though I’d recently written a series of round-Britain history books she wasn't having it so I was fined a small amount.  If I wanted to argue, she pointed out, she would take it upon herself to fine me for an assumed five years of over-claimed travel. So best not to. I can't tell you how much travel UK authors are actually allowed to put into their accounts, by the way. Nobody can tell you. It's up to a tax investigator to judge. Perhaps I should have offered mine an Opal Fruit...

So listen up. If you want to stay calm enough to write, you must keep evidence of your earnings in perfect order, ready for anyone to see. 

Don’t neglect this dull and tedious side of writing.

Unless your assets are offshore, in which case don't worry. You can do what the **** you like.   

Moira Butterfield 

@moiraworld

www.moirabutterfield.co.uk 

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